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Time stopped....
The bear froze....
The forest was silent....
Even the river stopped moving.
As a brilliant light shone upon the
man, a thunderous voice came from all around, God spoke:
"YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST
AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU
OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT? AM I TO COUNT YOU NOW AS A BELIEVER?"
Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"
"VERY WELL" said God.
The light went out.....
The river ran....
The sounds of the forest resumed....
And the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, thank you for this food
which I am about to receive, Amen!"
BUMPER STICKERS
"IF YOU CAN'T FEED EM, DON'T BREED EM!"
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Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
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If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
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Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
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The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
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I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.
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So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
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Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
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If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
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Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
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Illiterate? Write For Help.
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Honk If Anything Falls Off.
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Cover Me, I'm Changing Lane! s.
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He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost,
But is Miles From The Next Exit.
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I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed
Person.
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You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!
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I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
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Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
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(Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back O! ver...
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Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph
Also Are Timed For 70 mph
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Guys: No Shirt, No Service
Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
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If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My
Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
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Ax Me About Ebonics.
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Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
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Boldly Going Nowhere.
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Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
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Heart Attacks: God's Revenge
For Eating His Animal Friends
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Honk If You've Never Seen
An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
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How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He
Admits He is Lost?
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GROW YOUR OWN DOPE -- PLANT A MAN.
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All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets
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And Lastly:
"POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED,
AND FOR THE SAME REASON"
CEO
A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour
of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full
of workers and he wanted to let them know that he
meant business!
The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make$300 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
From across
the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
THE PARROT!!!
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder
what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot." "Holy
crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly
intelligent thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang
onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since
you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't
see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English
can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable
competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.
I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great
companion."
The guy looks at the $20000 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford
that"
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is,
nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20;
just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's
interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and
he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst,"
and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you
this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the
door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and
began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie! , got down on his knees
and began to kiss her all over...."
Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
SEX
A little
girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working and asks him:
Daddy, what's Sex?
"OK" he thinks, this day was bound to come, and I am not going to
let my little princess learn about Sex from the streets. So, he sits her down,
and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception,
sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs.
He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet dreams.
Then she asks : Daddy what is "a couple" ? And he carries on: a couple
are the two people involved in the sex, but this can be two males also, where
they penetrate from the ass, or two females which we call lesbians, where they
use the tongue on the vagina...and goes on to describe masturbation, oral sex,
group sex, pornography, bondage and rape, pedophilia, sex toys etc...
The father finally asks: So why did you want to know about "a couple"
and "Sex"?
Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..
SALESMAN
A young lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."
The manager liked the boy so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"
The boy said "One."
The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for? "101,237.64." The boy replied.
The manager choked and exclaimed "101,237.64? What the hell did you sell him?"
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".
The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"
"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said.........'Well, since your weekend's screwed, you might as well go fishing.
BLONDE
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool
and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind that you should know five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm
a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
SON
OF A BITCH FISH
The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked
a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net yelled,
"Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"
"Son, I'm a priest, your language is uncalled for!"
"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!"
"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"
Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.
"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."
"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"
"Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as this Son
of a Bitch!"
Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear and
his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.
"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"
Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"
"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!"
"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"
"Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of
a Son of a Bitch."
Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in
a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his
dinner.
"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch", she said. As she was cleaning
the huge fish, the Friar walked in. "What are you doing Sister?"
"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishops'
dinner."
"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!
"No, no, no ... it's called a Son of a Bitch fish."
"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and
that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished
cleaning it."
On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect.
The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was
excellent. The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get
it?"
"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.
The Bishop's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.
"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.
The Bishop sat silent in disbelief.
The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!"
The new Bishop looked around at each of them.
Slowly a big smile crept across his face as he said,
"You fuckers are my kind of people”.
Some old ones and some new,,,,,,,,,,,,,
An Essex
girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" Asks the council worker.
"10" replies the Essex girl.
"10???" says the council worker. "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne".
"Doesn't that get confusing?" "Naah..." says the Essex girl
"its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to
shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed
council worker.
"That's easy," says the girl... "I just use their surnames"
Essex girl
walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter
"I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.
"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear. "No" she
replies.
"This time it's mayonnaise."
Essex Girl
enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take the red one."
The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."
An Essex
girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding.
The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions.OK?"
Girl: "OK."
Medic: "What's your name?"
Girl: "Sharon."
Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"
Sharon: "Yes."
Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
Sharon: "Romford, mate."
Another
Essex girl is involved in a serious crash there's blood everywhere.
The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat
out on the floor.
Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
Girl: "Ok."
Medic: "Ok the how many fingers am I putting up?"
Girl: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"
Essex girl
and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex girl notices something strange
about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing.
She says, "Scuse me mate, I aint being fanny or nuffink, but why doz one
of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it ?
So the Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, "Well,
oim a little bit tick you see. The one with the R on it is for me roight foot
and the one with the L is for me left foot"
"Cor blimey, exclaims the Essex girl, "So THATS why me knickers 'ave
got C&A on them."